i don’t know.

i hate when people say that. but, really. i just don’t know. right now, i don’t know. maybe i make my life more complicated and more dramatic than it actually is. i’m sure tom is very much over me by now. i really don’t know though.

wow. i’m in love with the john butler trio.

Ashley’s Blog of Scrap…

I found this amazing site that lets me create cool art with the program they use… oh how I need Photoshop!!! But this one is pretty easy and really fun. I am pretty much addicted! the site is www.scrapblog.com check it out. here’s some of my work:

So, my phych final paper was due at midnight and it is now 1:30. I have to leave this hotel at 5ish so I have to get it done by then. I think I will be good… I’m pretty sure she will still accept it even though it’s late.

I’m getting tired, and that’s not good!!! I need to start working on it ASAP, it’s soooo easy so no big deal.

i don’t know what it is about me… but they love it!!

 So, i met this gentleman while i was bar hopping with my mom in toronto, and he gave me $100 the night i met him. now i think he is obsessed with me. it’s kinda strange, but i’m a broke ass so it all works out!!

 This is the most recent email he has sent me…

Dear Ashley,

First of all, I’m sorry that I did not answered you before but I was out of town.

There is no words on how to express myself about you, you really have touch me in a way that I can’t explain it.

I’m so glad to have met you that night that you have no idea, you so classy and then so nice, that I can even maintain an intelligent conversation. Something hard to find these days.

I’m an open minded person so don’t worry about me and witchcraft, I’d used to read a little about it a while back. .

Ashley I really want to send a Christmas gift for you to do what you want with it just because I like so much.

The night that we were together I held you in my arms and gave you little kisses on those precious eyes, little nose and ears. You’re so natural and that’s what cough my attention. 

Just so you know, I own a small Co. and what I mean it is so small that I am the only employee, however productive, and at the same time, I’m in charge of another Co. which is the one you have my business card from.

I represent two airlines, one of them is Thai Airways (Daily Flights to Bangkok, Thailand) non stop and the other is Zoom Airlines with daily flights to London both from JFK, I have been an airline man all my life, and I have even taken care of the presidential aircraft of Argentina while I was the Station Manager for Argentine Airlines at that time in JFK Int’l Airport so now you know a little more about me.

I want to send a check for $300.00 for you to buy yourself whatever makes you happy I really hate to read that you are working so hard at such young age in stead of enjoying life.

I could never forget you Ashley, I have the picture of your face in my mind constantly and it was so nice to spend the time we did, I’d wished it would have lasted more. I love it when you call me darling.

Again I’m sorry that I did not get to read this e-mail till now but boy did you make my day!

Please send me your address so I can send you my gift from my heart, and believe me! it does come from there.

My sweetie I’ll wait for your response so I can proceed with what I’d promised, please send me your information and as soon as I get it my check will go out to you. By the way if want take a day off on me just let me know and I’ll pay you to stay home so I can get to talk to you.

I send you all my love my Princess, stay in touch don’t get lost on me.

Norbert

me and my mom just laughed it up about this!! she told me to respond with, “im halfway to my mac laptop!”, maybe he would send me more money then…. haha. we shall see!

oh college.

so, out of 12 attempted credits I will be recieving 5 total. that means i passed 2 classes out of 5. i suck at life. i vow to do much better next semester, i have to because i will probably be put on academic probation.

i got pretty shitty last night with tiffany and jessie. we then picked up mat then went to joey’s house and danced a bit. joey and i both fell asleep sitting up on the couch. how strange! i must have been really tired.  i didn’t want to leave him today but i had to take tiffany home… and i was worried he would get in trouble with his mom if she found us all there. her car was there when we left. i can’t wait to see him again. i like him. i do. i’m pretty sure he likes me too, but i don’t want to get my hopes up because i know it can’t really go anywhere. joey saw tom last night at the whiskey bar. i’m glad we weren’t together there, that would have been bad. but then, i saw tom at howells. i just said hello how are you and that was it, i said bye too…. it’s really over. i need to get in the shower and go to work, and oh how i don’t want to. one more smoke. joey and alex are going the the beirgarten tonight for dolla beers, i wish  i could go!!!

i’m going to san fransisco with amelia on the 16th through the 19th, i can’t wait!! only 5 more days left!! i need to figure out about the buddy passes really soon. i’ll go into inflight tommorrow and ask. i also have to turn in all my liqour paperwork and money either tonight or tomorrow.  alright time to get movin. peace out jessie!! haha… hope you’re reading!

shift-y…

so. let’s see. so so so much is new. tom and i broke up. it was a kind of messy situation. i don’t want to talk about it right now but i will elaborate later. i am reading a fabulous book right now entitled, “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” by Milan Kundera. I adore it. Here are some amazing quotes:

 A feeling of importance

“We all need somebody to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public…
The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners…
Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark..
And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers.”

Love is a desire for that lost half of ourselves.

Milan Kundera

Young is the one that plunges in the future and never looks back.

Milan Kundera

The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter, and that this humiliation is seen by everyone.

Milan Kundera, Immortality

Solitude: sweet absence of faces.

Milan Kundera, Imortality

Anyone whose goal is ‘something higher’ must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Tomas did not realize at the time that metaphors are dangerous. Metaphors are not to be trifled with. A single metaphor can give birth to love.

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

 

 

more are coming soon!

new do, new hue. hue is a do, the do is a don’t.

i really like it. i just hate the short layers the lady cut!!

well, my attitute has changed.

i think i might break up with tom. he’s boring me. he doesn’t talk. but we are going to a party tonight so we’ll see how that goes. i just think i have outgrown him. i feel a bit bad, but he has got to feel the same way a little bit.

other than that, i want to move to chicago. it’s kind of funny actually. i had a dream about my old roommate Alex last week and so i texted him, and not i’m going to chicago to visit on the 8th, 9th and 10th. i’m really really excited. i can’t wait to see him, and i have to look really amazing too. i’m excited to see niko, “our” cat, i’m excited to see his apartment and the whole city! i’m excited to see if he’s painted anything new… i’m just really excited to see him. he said he has cut his hair.i hope he’s still good looking. i’m sure he is. his hair was pretty long before.

and moving there? yeah, i’m all about it. i would like to attend columbia college of chicago and major in graphic design and photography. i want to go out and meet cool artsy people. i want to establish my own freelance design company. i want to do natal chart readings on the side.

my remaining time here in dearborn should be spent preparing myself for this future. i would like to take natal chart classes at the alhambra institute and really really develope my astrology skills. i figure if i do about 3 readings a week and charge anywhere from $50-$100, it’s good money and it’s very little work, about 3-4 hours of work a week. and it’s fun! and i love it! second, i have to do really good in school at schoolcraft and take as many classes as possible while i’m there (full time continuously), making sure all my classes transfer as well, and going every semester, fall winter spring and summer classes. i also need to save money for the big move as well. i’ll have to invest in a good bike i’m sure.

chicago just seems to want me to live there. it’s one step closer to the bigger and badder new york

obviously today i am excited about life. and living it.

the sun is shining right in my face…

… and i’m not mad about it. that’s good. my mom should be home soon and we’re gonna go for a walk around the neighborhood before i have to leave for work.

i really thought i loved ramen noodles today as i anticipated eating them, but after i ate them, i don’t think i like them so much anymore. poor mans food. bleh. gross. no more ramen! i need to start learning how to cook some easy and quick and cheap meals pretty soon……. because…….. i’m moving into my new apartment on november 1st!! yep, that’s right, i’m gettin my own place. i am really excited about it. it’s only $490 a month, everything included. and it’s right next to ford field, which is a HUGE park! so my backyard is basically HUGEAMONGO!! I pretty much have the whole place decorated in my head, thank god for all those decorating shows i’ve been watching, i should have known theywould come in handy.

other than that, i am a flight attendant now. it’s fun and it’s pretty easy. i just need to turn my liqour paperwork on in time from now on. i did good last night though, doing it all while on the flight and filling it in right. i don’t really like the schedule right now. i mean, its a great schedule and people are envious of it, but it’s hard on me. i leave the house at around 8ish every night (at least 3-4 nights a week i work) and i get about 4 hours of sleep then i get home at around 8 in the morning and head right back to sleep. so i am constantly tired. i can’t wait until after about 6 months to a year when i have a good schedule. that will include a 3-4 day trip a week, where i’m gone for those 3-4 days, then i’ll have the whole rest of the week off. that will be really nice. weekends off!!!

i turn 21 soon. a week from tomorrow actually. wow, that was weird to type!!! i can’t belive it! i have a couple things to do before that though, i have to get my license renewed (! oh boy!) and i have to get my sida badge for work renewed. i might go do that tomorrow. i want to look CUTE in both new pictues!!! glasses? no glasses? i dunno yet… it kind of came pretty fast. it’s a week from tomorrow. i dunno what i’m gonna do!! i know we will go out to dinner… and hopefully tom will come too and call off work. that will be a lot of fun!

what sucks about that kind of though, is that for the whole month of octobe i don’t have a single weekend off!!! if lisa and i trade a day, i will have once weekend off, so that’s cool. but it’s pretty ironic that the month i turn 21 i have to work every single party night! maybe it’s a good thing… at least that’s what i’m telling myself at the moment.

school is going ok. i’m gettin kinda stressed because i have a lot to do and turn in soon. it’s only going to get harder. i think it will be a lot better once i have my own place. my own sancuary to spread my stuff about and really focus on the schoolwork at hand. it’s all really easy stuff, the homework i mean, i just need to keep motivated and do it!!

well, that’s a mini update. tom is great. i want to say i love him, but ya know how that goes… but he’s really great and i am thankful everyday that he is in my life.

blessed be

this is life… and i’m hungry for it.

well, actually right now i’m just physically hungry. i feel like i’m a 60 year old lady today. i feel old, tired, and lazy. old in the mindset sence. not the physical sence. but i really am hungry. i also have to leave for work in three hours… so i better get started on makin some yum yum grub grub, writing 2 shitty papers, posting a new discussion on self esteem, MAYBE taking a shower… it all depends on the homeowork, and since I am feeling like an old bag today, that will prolly be a big n-o. here’s to life! cheers!

not happy

 sometimes i don’t even feel like tom is my boyfriend. i mean he is MY boyfriend but it doesn’t feel like i am his girlfriend. i am just too fucked up to even be in a relationship. i wanted to write about this to see how it all looked on paper. but i don’t even know. i am pissed off at tom. point one. i’m pissed because i was upstairs and i heard his text message ring tone go off. so i knew he was up. so i went down there and he’s texting and fucked up me is always jealous when he’s texting or sending text messages. i just wish he would tell me what’s up. but the person (chris) called him and tom said, “the magic bag right” so i knew he was planning on going to the magic bag. so he gets off the phone and he doesn’t really say anything so i say, “you’re going to the magic bag?” or something like that and he says yes, and i say with who and he jokingly says about 4 girls names because he obviously knows i am a jealous person. but hafuckingha, just kidding. he’s going with chris and kristine, no big deal. but he didnt even fucking invite me!! so i say to him “you’re not going to invite me?” and he says “well, you don’t have your ID anyways”. Ok, fine. I don’t. but still fucking invite me. that pissed me off and i’m pissed even typing it. i shouldnt have to ask if he is inviting me anyfuckingwhere. then from there, he says he’s going to call off work. WOW. he never the fuck does that. i have asked him a couple of times, oh just call off! we can spend the whole day together, but no, he never has. so, i call Katherine to see if i can borrow her sisters ID or something, but she says she has one. so awesome! but not, because it was about 4 months expired and just not right. so that’s out. we had an ok time at katherines. i love her. and he really liked her house and even said things like “i want a house like this” and i of course say “me too”. cute, i guess.  so i take him home and i tell him about how me and my mom are gonna cook dinner then he tells me about how he is going to go disc golfing with paul. cool. have fun. i have always said i wanted to go with them, but maybe it was just a guys thing. no invitation anyways. so the movie that he is going to is at 9.  So here is today’s texts:

Me 2 Tom @ 5:07 “I’m sad I really want to go tonight.

Tom 2 Me @ 7:36 “You shouldn’t stress about it. Its only one night. Not that big of deal.”

Me 2 Tom @ 7:38 ” I just wish I could go. I’m not stressed. Have a good time. Talk to ya tomorrow”

Tom 2 Me @ 7:41 ” Well. Chris is afraid to drive in the rain so we might not go. Hes acting like theres a tornado or something.”

Me 2 Tom @ 7:46 “The rain stopped here so im sure it will be fine.”

Tom 2 me @ 7:49 ” You don’t know chris. Lol. But who knows. You hanging with liz and kat tonight?”

Me 2 Tom @ 7:51 ” I don’t know. I take it you will be out all night? Go to the bar after or something?”

Tom 2 Me @ 7:54 ” Who knows. If i go… I doubt ill be out all night. Especially if he is driving. Id prefer not to hang out with them all night.”

Me 2 Tom @ 8:07 ” I wonder if they card at the door or just when you order a drink”

Me 2 Tom @ 8:29 ” It doesn’t matter. Im having a bad day. I hope yours is better.”

Me 2 Tom @ 8:51 “So are you guys going?”

Tom 2 Me @ 9:12 “Yes and no. Were headed down there but i don’t think were giong to make it in time. If we do I don’t think were going to get a seat. Why are you having a bad day?”

Me 2 Tom @ 9:14 “It shouldn’t be too crowded. Hopefully you get a seat. Its just been a bad day for me. I put myself in a bad mood”

Tom 2 Me @ 12:06 ” We never made it in the movie. To crowded. Just had a few drinks next door. Were headed home now. Tired. They did card at the door.”

Me 2 Tom @ 12:07 “Going home?”

Me 2 Tom @ 12:07 “you can call me too if you want.”

Tom 2 Me @ 12:11 “Windows down in the car… too loud. Yeah. 2 much booze not enough food. Just ate some pizza. Now i’m lazy. just wanna get home and lay down. call you when i get home.”

Me 2 Tom @ 12:14 “That will do it! Talk to ya soon.”

Tom 2 me @ 12:16 ” Yeah. Kristine wants to party but i convinced chris that we need to go home. Lol.”

Me 2 Tom @ 12:17 “Well that’s good. I don’t think i would like that.”

Tom 2 Me @ 12:18 ” Ok then.”

Me 2 Tom @ 12:19 “Im just saying. I feel left out as it is.”

Tom 2 me @ 12:21 ” Huh? Why do you feel that way and what does that have to do with what i just texted?”

Me 2 Tom @ 12:23 ” I would feel even more left out if you guys went out and partied. Texting sucks. I never know what things mean.”

then he called me when he got home. and i was so short with him. and irritated. irritated and sad and mad that he would rather go out with chris and his girlfriend to a movie that i had been trying to get him to go see with me since it came out. i mean, ok i didn’t have an id to get in and if I had had my ID i would have been there tonight. then everything would have been fine. so it’s my fault. i shouldn’t have lost my fucking ID. i’m still hurt that tom called off work and then went and hung out with all of his friends. i suppose that’s what he needed to do and it is obviously what he wanted to do. i need to get a fucking life. i need to stop putting tom on a fucking pedastel. i hate the fact that i have to work this weekend and he is going to be going out with out me. and i need to be nice to him and not all naggy and mad and moody or else he might just go and find an easy going hippy chick.  i’m not going to call him tomorrow but if and when he calls me i am going to be busy and care free and really really nice. i am breaking all the rules and i hate that. anways, i need to get the fuck over that i am unhappy in my life. and start getting happy and involved in my own life and get my self out of his life. i am my own person and i need to start asking like my own person. i just texted him “you awake?” it’s 2am… prolly not the best decision… but i wanted to reconcile. and be nice and tell him i’m sorry.